Ways to Break the Teenage Inferiority Cycle … Part 4

by Rebecca Kirk, M.A. MFT&C

(Cycle numbered below is quoted and adapted from Dr. James Dobson’s Preparing for Adolescence.)

1. Admit you have been hurt, and those inner scars need to be removed.
2. Know you are not alone in your pain and that it is more common than uncommon.   (It takes more courage to admit the pain because it is scary to face our past scars.)
3. Compensate for your weaknesses.
4. Make genuine friends.

Lastly, making genuine friends is quite possibly the most difficult goal of all. No one would argue about needing to do this, but differences occur in defining which friends fulfill this definition.  Unfortunately when we think of groups of friends that could be options, our minds think in polar opposites.  For instance, we think of people completely opposite from our group or just like them.  (We leave out a whole realm of people that would argue that they are more than just two extremes of people!)

 Just as Sydney (in our second blog of this month) both loved and hated the guys that she disrespected herself for, you will both dislike and like the people you are trying to impress.  Ask yourself if they truly would accept you if you didn’t conform to who they are and the things they love doing. Would they keep inviting you places, or would they joke or make fun of you for being “too innocent” to your face or behind your back?  If you truly have conviction over having low expectations, drinking, smoking, experimenting with drugs, or experimenting with sexual intimacy, are you with people who are not currently participating in such activities?  Maybe you began associating with them because of your feelings of low self-worth or regret.   Studies overwhelmingly prove that having just one friend can influence people greatly.  “You are who you hang around” has become a cliché that is overstated, not because it is a lie, but because it is true!  Often people have to experience what this feels like from rock bottom after they have practically lost all the genuine people (who refuse to also hurt themselves) before they will join the multitudes of people voicing the warning.  Though it is the hardest and most heroic thing a teenager can do, choosing a better group of people who ask the question, “how long does it last” is LIFE.  Furthermore, it builds confidence, self-dignity, and hope because it stays secure in a person throughout the storms of life!

Maybe you are a fish, wishing to be a butterfly, while a butterfly ironically wishes to be you.  I hope you will seek a healthy, older person who will partner with you to see the magnificent beauty that only you can paint in this world.  I hope you listen to your unique voice, recognize its might, and are happy in your own skin even if it means sitting alone at the lunch table for awhile while you try to find better people who love themselves humbly and have high expectations for their futures. Then you will be truly grateful for the gift of you on this earth, and that gratitude will last forever! There is NOTHING more heroic than for a teenager to do this, not to mention rewarding!

Breaking the Teenage Inferiority Cycle … Part 3

by Rebecca Kirk, M.A. MFT&C

Last week we saw how overwhelming and cyclical any inferiority cycle in a person can be, and I’ll address these next two weeks to teenagers out there .  One of the most hopeful and helpful facts that needs to be internalized and felt is the recognition of feeling alone but knowing you, especially a teenager, are not.  The ones who bullied you felt or feel more alone than you.  The most popular girl in your school or the most talented athlete also feels inadequate and alone in these feelings of shame known by other names. Whether it is feeling you are stupid and continuing in a negative cycle that makes you feel more stupid or whether you feel like the poorest kid who will never have the name brand clothes, you are NOT alone.  People just do not talk about their feelings of inferiority because they fear they are alone and voicing them would further prove that point.  Also, admitting that you have a low self-image, may make you feel like more of a loser or too emotional.  You feel that way possibly, but your head knows that stuffing emotions can only run so deep before there is no more room.  Like a pressure cooker, stuffed emotions explode on the people we want them to the least.  This is one reason why so many young adults finally find their knight in shining armor, but cannot make themselves feel happy, appreciative, or trusting in them (just like Sydney when she responded out of fear as opposed to trust).

Working through a few things can help break the negative inferiority cycle!

How to build a positive cycle of success:

(Cycle numbered below is quoted and adapted from Dr. James Dobson’s Preparing for Adolescence.)

                   

1. Admit you have been hurt, and those inner scars need to be removed.
2. Know you are not alone in your pain and that it is more common than uncommon.   (It takes more courage to admit the pain because it is scary to face our past scars.)
3. Compensate for your weaknesses.
4. Make genuine friends.

Admitting the pain of the past and desiring to fight it with the hope that you are not alone are the first two essentials to starting the process of recovery.  Just as the pain and layers of wounds were a process, healing is a process too. 

With an insightful person, you should explore your strengths and weaknesses, so you can build upon the good and feel less insecure about the bad.  This includes identifying hobbies and talents that interest you or you have been commended for, and it also includes giving voice to your insecurities, which are school subjects, sports, musical aptitudes, etc. that seem to give you more trouble.  Unfortunately, this step listed as #3 above taps into one of your most cyclic patterns of negativity.  For instance, in order for you to know and explore yourself, you have to be okay with not fitting the cookie cutter mold of others.  Even more so, you have to be courageous enough to pursue your successes in front of others though you may fear rejection of the past voices you may hear the loudest.  This is why working on this with a trustworthy and healthy older person can help counterbalance those insecurities.  Making genuine friends will be discussed next week since it is the hardest obstacle to tackle for most.

Teenage Inferiority Cycle … Part 2

by Rebecca Kirk, M.A. MFT&C

Last week, we discussed how teenagers undergo immense feelings of inferiority at some point in their social experiences, which can leave a permanent mark if not realized and fought.  Working through this experiential realization in therapy or with a healthy mentor is essential to building self-esteem.  Because teenagers often need to but will not open up to their parents, it is truly sacrificial and a great gift of love for parents to give them the gift of a mentor or a therapist to help them with these scars. 

Before we look at ways to increase confidence, let’s understand why having a strong self-view is truly your life-force.

EXAMPLE OF NEGATIVE CYCLE OF INFERIORITY (names and events are completely fictitious though not in essence):

PAIN:

Sydney is a junior high school girl who is shy, academically strong, and building up extra weight prior to puberty.   She is also new to her school district because she went to a church school until sixth grade.  Over the summer she hits her greatest growth spurt, when she heightens, slims, and gets all the curves.  Upon returning to school from the summer, the guys show interest at a rate and degree she has never experienced, forcing her to be more social.  She starts dating Nick who is an eighth grader.  They talk for several months, go too far after the homecoming dance, and he breaks up with her the next week.  She is sad but trying to get over him and all the risky things she told him such as how she thought she was ugly, considered a dork, etc.  She remembers how he told her he would fight anyone off who ever said those untrue things about her, and she is saddened because she feels she no longer has a defender in her life.   One day in the lunch room, one of Nick’s friends walks by with a smirk and calls her an ugly band geek.  Sydney is crushed because her most intimate communications are now used as weapons against her.

REACTION:

Sydney clams up and refuses to date anyone ever again…. until Lyle appears with much coaxing from her friends.  This relationship is very different so that Sydney will not get hurt again.  She tells him little about herself, and is supersensitive that he may be cheating on her or about to end the relationship.  This seems to dominate the topics of their conversation.  When he tires of her nervous attachment, she gives in more sexually, so he will maintain interest.  She feels fear in doing so and desires to remain a virgin, but she keeps stretching her boundaries until they break up.

CYCLE:

 Sydney continues this cycle because it is the only thing she knows, and she feels the only way to feel better is to have a boyfriend who can tell her she is beautiful and protect her from girl gossip at her school.  Her instincts tell her that each time she gives into another guy before she should, she will dislike herself even more, but she keeps becoming more bodily invested with guys while she attempts to withhold more of her emotional attachment.  Just like a drug that people also begin for acceptance, she is addicted to relationships that hurt her without having the developed resources to overcome them.

This is an example that can be generalized to infinity, but it is rooted in feeling the unmatchable and inevitable insecurity that abounds in adolescence.  I echo Dr. James Dobson in Preparing for Adolescence when he states, “What a shame that most teenagers decide they are without much human worth when they’re between thirteen and fifteen years of age!”  Though the intensity of these feelings lessens, they never go away if they are not faced and fought.   Tune in next week for some ways to accomplish this.

Teenage Inferiority… Part 1

by Rebecca Kirk, M.A. MFT&C

Are you concerned that your daughter or son does not fit in with his or her classmates and appears to not be involved or included in class activities?  Is your daughter shy and withdrawn?  Maybe you've experienced these feelings too as an adolescent and have the battle scars to prove it.  If so, you'll understand more than others why it is important to seek out a mentor or a therapist to nip these feelings in the bud and have a healthy, happy teenager who will progress into adult life with confidence and self-esteem.

A potent question for anything is “how long does it last?” Whether this involves the star position on a favorite team, a golden romance, or a rocky road of loneliness, everyone faces the dilemma of time’s restraint.  One of the biggest challenges teenagers face is feeling inferior.  The blessing and the curse from this natural struggle is that if one works on this tension during one’s youth, the tendency for it to affect them more greatly as an adult is reduced.  Also, if one feels better temporarily, but does not address the internal turmoil of feeling inadequate, rejected, or ashamed, this imprint will also leave a heavier mark throughout adulthood.

Unfortunately, avoiding most ridicule is impossible and most keenly felt as a teenager.   When this happens as a teenager, life can feel very depressing, devastating, and cold.  In Dr. James Dobson’s book Preparing for Adolescence, he indicates that seventh and eighth grades are most painfully remembered for feelings of inferiority.  Though you and your child may be a teenager well beyond junior high, we remember experiences that deeply affect us and continue to affect us.

Teenagers feel things more strongly and intensely than others, which is a blessing that stokes their creativity and is meant to drive their search for their autonomous self; however, it is also the catalyst that makes their pain more keenly felt and more deeply devastating.  Dr. Dobson states that the three highest valued attributes in our society are “beauty, intelligence, and money. “  When teenagers feel this inferiority, it is very harsh.   The first step in overcoming these intense emotions is to realize they won’t last forever.  Also, if they are realized and addressed, the power of their memory won’t paralyze them throughout college and later.  During this month, I’ll be speaking to teenagers and their parents at different times to help explain the hated cycles and solutions that can hold us all down.  Join me next week to discover more.